Text:
Fool
In comes I bold Tom
As bold as a lion
A blacksmiths shop
Without any iron
A pair of old bellows
all full of holes
An old iron stiddy
and not many coals
Open spoken France and Spain
In comes our Sargent
on the the same
{Enter Sargent}
Sargent
In comes I the recruting sargent I've arrived in here just now
I have had orders from the Queen to list all fellers that follow orse cart or plough
Likewise Tinkers Taylors Pedlers and Sailors
Fools at my advance
The more I hear the fiddlers play
the better I can dance
Fool
What me a fool come to see you dance
Sargent
Yes I can hear them dance, sing or play
Fool
If you begin to dance sing or play
I shall quickly march away
Praps in a short time the lady will be here
Lady
{sings} In comes the lady bright and gay
Big fortune make sweet charms
Its scornful how I'm thrown away
Out of some dear one's arms
He swears if I don't marry him
That you will understand
He'll list all for a soldier
And go to some foreign land.
Fool
Do you love me pretty fair maiden
Lady
Yes unto my sorrow
Fool
When'st to be our wedding day
Lady
Tommy loves tomorrow
{All three start to dance}
Fool, Sargent & Lady
Toorooriadio, Tommys wed tommorio
Fool
Stop ! Stop ! Stop !
Whats all thi dancing and jiggin about 'eres a tight boy to dance
I can dance on a barley chaff riddle.
It will neither bend nor break one strand
I am going to ask all you stickmejacks to me and ladys wedding
and what you like the best you must bring on with you.
I know what me and me lady likes and what me lady is goin to have.
We're going to have a barley chaff dumplin buttered with wool
and a gallon of ropy ale to it.
So its ladies and gentlemen's you've eerd all my part
I can act the fools part just as well as any other
{Shufffes em rarnd with stick}
Only wait a short time perhaps old Dame Jane will be ere
Dame Jane
In cums I old Dame Jane
with a neck as long as a crane
Dib Dab over the meadow
once I was a blooming maid
But now I am a down right old widow
{Has a doll in hand}
{To Fool} Tommy its a long time since I sawt thee
but now I've caught thee.
Since all my joys exhausted
since you called me what you did pray
tommy take your bastard
{Gives doll to Tommy}
Look at its chin
its nose its eyes
its as much like you as ever it could bin
Fool
What is it He male or Shemale (Take your feeder and spoon it)
Lady
Shemale
Fool
All mines Hemale
{Claps hand on leg}
Thats my leg you old faggit ive note ter thank you for
Only wait a short time old Eezum Squeezum
Eezum Squeezum
In cums I old Eezum squeezum
on me back I carry my beezum
In mi hand a whip leather frying pan
bread an cheeze in a bag puddin in a lantern
if you had been where Ive been you would never be wanted.
Is there anybody here can stand afore this.
Ribboner
Yes I can for my head is made of iron my body is made of steel,
and no one can make me feel
[Omission here somewhere]
My shins is muttle bone
Eezum Squeezum
Aw carnt they
{Clouts Rib. and knocks him down}
Fool
Five pound for a doctor
[Someone No.1]
Ten pound to stop away
Someone No.2]
Fifteen pound and he must come at once
Doctor
In comes I the doctor
Fool
What you a doctor
Doctor
Yes I've travelled for it
Fool
Where've you travelled
Doctor
I've travelled all over the world
I've travelled England Scotland France and Spain
Three times round the world and back again to old England
Fool
Havnt you been nowhere else
Doctor
Yes I once went three mile yon side York
to an old Lady called misses Cork
She fell upstairs with an empty teapot full of flour
and grazed her shinbone just above her elbow
and made her stocking bleed
Fool
What pains can you cure
Doctor
I can cure the hipsy pipsy palsy gout
pain within and pain without
Draw tooth set a leg
cure almost any pain in the head
Fool
Clever doctor try your skill
Doctor
Thank you sir so I will
{Places hat, coat, gloves, stick on table. Begins to feel of old man}
Fool
Is that the strongest part about a man
Doctor
Its the strongest part about a woman.
I've a little bottle in my inside coat trousers waistcoat pocket.
He wants a little of my wiff waff
just rubbin' round 'is tiff taff.
This man is not dead hes only in a trance
come rise up old man and lets have a dance
if you can't dance we can sing
come rise up old man and lets begin
{All start to sing}
[All]
Good master and good mistress
As you sit round your fire
Remember us poor ploughboys,
Who plough through mud and mire
The mire it is so very deep
The water runs so clear
Give what you like to our money box
And a mug of your best beer
{Send round collection box}
{Fool goes out}
[All except Fool]
Good master and good mistress
You see our fool as gone
We make it in our busness
To follow him alone
He swears if I don't marry him
As you will understand
He'll list all for a soldier and go to some foreign land
{Give greetins on exit}
[On a later sheet:]
Whoa Whoa Wopsy old boy
which of you old boys can 'old my 'orse
'es a donkey 'es a rum un to kick
mind he doesnt bite you my lads.
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